The Check Engine Light
(random stream-of-consciousness thoughts)
It flashes at me. And then five minutes later it departs. As if to say hi and make sure I was paying attention to it. As if it knew how scatter brained I can be about anything. One minute I will be contemplating how to begin this crazy paragraph and the next is consisted of trying to figure out where I went wrong with things, with people, with relationships as if everything has just got to be fixed RIGHT NOW.
I am perhaps not a procrastinator because of that constantness in me to be getting something fixed...
..maybe that is why being out here alone is so fresh for me, so good because I have nothing to fix but things that come up from time to time like school things or money things... those I can do.
Those things I cant control are gone.
He is quite gone from my life and I cant ever imagine myself being in love again. But isnt that always the way it goes. One after another after another you think the same damn things...
I cant go on, he is an ass, I am better than this crying and sadness, I am a woman hear me roar so loud one day and the next I am back at square one of trying to realize what happened.
Would I have ever done that to him?
To him who I loved for three years- yeah- older people would say- "what only three years honey you have barely lived yet" and I know that and yet I sit here and there and rehash the whole drama over and over like it is that Friends episode where Rachel and Ross kiss. My brains is on rerun status I guess.
And yet, pushing that to where it should be, I am happy with my whole new little life. People say "do you like it here?" "Yes and you have no idea how much my dears!!" Good old lake town. I KNOW that this is my Walden and that I will come out of my shell here when it is my time. After I get my baby bug and after I release the rest of this pain of seeing him and her fucking in my dreams. After After After...
You know Sybil you are always waiting for something to occur in order of rut next beginning to begin. i really out to just get over all this shit. If only I could take that chunk from my head and toss it and throw it so far away that if I ever did see him again he would be a stranger.
What a shitty job for him though. To leave SYBIL- that is right- to leave me of all people. I would have loved him like a king and I did for so long. Why does this happen to us girls? We love these men and then they screw us over. Sometimes it seems as though it was so surreal that it didnt occur after all. But it did because I have visions of peaking out of the window to witness this girls smaller figure and him closing my garage where the cycle slept for one more night. He crashed it just like he crashed our relationship. I wonder what he says to himself at night.
I know he must regret things sometime and that is what the evil part of me wants.
Hugh Prather says that you shouldnt deny yourself anger and hell I have always been mad at people and always kept my mouth shut- well- no more. I am not as mad as I was the weeks after. With time I will perhaps turn more to the calmer side of things with him and really truly be able to say- I am happy for you jas.
It is amazing what a change of scenery does to a person's soul. Music too. Listening to in your eyes while walking when i first moved here brought me to tears thinking of jas and it hurt, as it hurts to think of that song now. When i was at jess and travis's wedding I daydreamed of meeting latino man and dancing so well and fabulously in front of everyone including jas, making him jealous, making him say "look at what I am missing." Perhaps i am revengeful for womanly reasons- period. I hate blaming how I feel on that though.
I have been keeping much of this deep down and I need to blow it all out- clean up my soul, wax the floors, shine the mirror so that when I look at it I see my great face- my face that smiles and beams at my fascinating kids and the ideas that i get being around them. And all my girls- what would I do without them? I have no idea.
They are my check engine lights- flashing at me once and a while to make sure i am paying attention to my woman- myself- my heart and the soul that i guard with a vengeous. I feel great sometimes- like I am so very powerful now in my life and I AM- SYBIL YOU ARE SO IN CONTROL NOW- YOU ARE IN CONTROL- NO ONE ELSE IS.. not jas not andrea not anyone else.
Oh how I miss been held and loved and kissed like I am a goddess. I want to be alone though once i even get close to someone else. I cant imagine right now being with someone. That is the biggest hurt- knowing he is with someone ALREADY. But for some reason jas is able to do that. Drop one and pick up another- no wonder your arent a giddy schoolboy when love hits you because It HASNT---- You jump all over looking for that giddiness when you havent surrendered to loving YOU or to believing in that romantic part of life.
That is enough. I dont want to think of you anymore. It wasnt working because I was always worried and I couldnt trust you- you wondered why i always worried- well here is the reason- I knew that you didnt worry and now you are i bet- the independent shit has gotten away and i didnt go bizzerk like sarah or wait for you like brenda and I AM NOT WAITING FOR ANYTHING BUT FOR YOU TO FUCK UP AND THEN SAY YOU WERE WRONG and then I will SMILE, i will smile and walk away. I will walk into the water and cry because I will be right and you will have finally been wrong.
I would have been so good for you and Goodbye- that is what i will say. Be prepared to hurt like it did. Goodbye Jason. For good.
-(NOTICE: these chunks were written right after a major break up... hatred for Jason is now gone and I am happy for him..)
Teaching is the wackiest profession. No wonder there is alcohol in my fridge. I like KNEW before I even began that I would need it. The repetition of words over and over and the makeup work- dont get me started.
I guess I need to stop staying in Wahp. overnight because i always have dreams of him there- plus i ran into his parents at church. I love them though- they are so great. Sometimes I just sit and wonder how that all works- that rachel and tara can be so awesome and would never do that to anyone but he has to go and be the one who cant decide between his ass and his head.
When I think on it- when I am in that mood- it amazes me that she was able to contact him, come into his life and just take over. What made her want to get in contact with him? Did she see a picture of him or hear that he was still a hottie with a crotch rocket? I dont understand how it occurs sometimes. Makes me want to figure out his password to his yahoo account so I can read the letters they wrote to each other. He probably deleted them though. Everything in life is sooo situational- because i look at her reasons for not wanting him to talk to me and i see her insecurity because i felt the same about him going out with her- but look at him and brenda- they went out lots when i was seeing him. He probably fooled around with her behind my back-
when i start to miss him i just think of how it was when I was with him- him wanting to get ahold of Erin and see her before he was to ever get married. He is soo paranoid of commitment- that is probably what it is.
maybe this chick can cure him of it.
He is so afraid to lose himself because he has never had a himself to begin with- he has never been alone long enough, now donger- he is difficult simply because HE KNOWS WHO HE IS and he is staying with Andrea because she puts up with him. It is probably the same with doug, etc. Jason has always been attached.
I bless myself sometimes for getting out of that and not making too big a deal of it when he did it that day. I wonder if he ever thinks he will get back together with me if things fail with her... I would have such a hard ass time actually forgiving him to his face and give him another try. Boy did he bounce me around on the top of his emotions- everytime hed break up wed find a way to be together to screw things up more. He cant let go- he always wants to have that attachment to these exes of his in case things get fucked up. he is afraid of commitment but wants girls in reserve for when he is old and gray and cant chase the beautiful women around. Hell probably end up alone. Boy wouldnt that be funny and very ironic. Jesus. I would laugh so hard. Like Chandler was saying to Joey today- you have to choose and focus on that one person. I wonder how things went in San Antonio but I am sure they went really well- surprisingly well- i screwed her all weekend....gross. Sybil you are so lucky you didnt 'sleep' with him.
Save it for someone that completely loves you for you.
Right now I feel like I am watching a soap opera and I want to see her get hurt and him to run back to the strong independent girl that will spit in his face- what a good movie that would be.
I totally hate being sick. This cold can just bite me man. I am so worn by the end of school I almost pass out when I get home. Lately though I have been getting a burst of energy around 8pm and then it takes me forever to get to sleep. Stupid body. I havent been eating when I get home either which is probably not good but I am never hungry and I have no good food anyway- and hell, it saves me a lot of money that is for sure. This whole money watching thing kind of bites too- I wish I didnt have so much to pay off every month because that would be money in my pocket but it was all used pretty wisely for clothes and things when I had NO money in August. I was going everywhere all the time too. I used a lot of my bonds too this past year. I am glad I didnt work as much I should have because I basically enjoyed the summer rather than wasting away in Target- that would have sucked so hard. Hell that boys ranch job sucked too.
I keep letting thoughts of jas creep in and then I fight them off with a vengeance- it is a funny mental battle. Like the jason neurons vs. the sybil neurons.... I think I am winning and I have noticed that this job has helped to cure daydreaming about him and the ordeal for more than a few minutes.
God bless teaching and I really have to thank the fact that I have no one to try to please right now beside myself as far as a home life. Imagine coming home Sybil to kids and a hubby right now after the days you have- you would hate it and be so pooped and right now I realize why so many marriages are unhappy. I am definitely going to have to wait. And the idea of teaching for quite some time and then becoming a professor sounds nice, well right now it does.
I think my ego just likes the idea of being called a professor. Big competitive Sybil....
I cant wait to get my baby bug... I know I am going to cry and shake my head in disbelief for awhile. My own car- a bug of all things. It still shocks me. It is my millennium baby and resolution early- to become a better Sybil before I fall in love again...
This is my time to be the fearless, always wondering person I am- to be me even though I was me with jason- this is a more raw side of Sybil coming out. I am enabling myself to read more and I am writing more too. I want to come up with my own life philosophy by Thanksgiving and for Christmas I am going to have my own card to send to people with me on it standing by my bug smiling and feeling powerful and knowing that slowly I am conquering the world, one student at a time. Even if the conquering only occurs in the confines of my little learning brain.
10/17/99 (what chunk this pertains to, I have no idea...)
As I watch Superman today I think of how I would love to meet a dark haired bigger guy- latino or black with dreadlocks would be sweet too. I went online to a singles place and got replies. This one guy loves Emerson and Thoreau too and he has been to Walden Pond. Crazy. I didnt think there was anyone out there like me passionate about authors- especially a guy. That would be awesome to end up with someone who loves to read as I do.
I bet I wont meet the guy of my dreams until I go back to college- him repeating poetry to me as we study for a test or something- boy to I get romantic, eh? Oh well. I can dream. I am totally allowed you know. I really need to start on this whole philosophy thing. I would like to meet my deadline of Thanksgiving. I cant wait to have all these days off coming up soon. I will be a nice break to NOT think of school for a bit and be in my car and sing at the top of my lungs. I wish I got more stations in better though.
I cant wait to be in my bug and cruising around listening to music and waving at people. What a friendly mobile I will have. Nichole was up last night to go to a party with me. It was fun and this morning we talked about jake and jason.
It is crazy- it is the same for both of us and yet different. Situational once again...... I am so much wiser from all of this... so brave now and unfortunately, untrusting of men. Sad but true. Someday soon, after letting it leak slowly but surely out of my melon, I will come to terms with it all and feel about it the way I feel about Todd and all the others.
I will be over him. ALL of 'them.'
It took me a good year to diminish Todds arms and kisses. Jas will take longer I know but by being HERE and being a more RAW SIBBS, it encourages more leaking. I am cleaning out that relationship department, taking estimates of the damages and making my repairs on a daily basis. He did do some major damage. For once, If I could wish something- I would wish her to dump him so that for once, HE would be on the other end. But then again, they are older than me (another bonus on my part of course) and will maybe think their time is running out and will marry for age sake and then be miserable. Who knows and for today- I dont care. I want a lesson to be learned on his part. That would be nice.
Then I will have completed the full circle of my teaching. I teach my students, my friends, family and hopefully now my exes. It is a teachers goal so that is my 1999 wish. As for 2000 my resolution is already taking place- bettering myself, learning from my past mistakes, and letting myself just be me and read and write and feel and think and cry over nature and all its glory. So much for a Sunday- back to relaxing and daydreaming. Two days of school and then fun in Fargo and with Fran.
An attempt at a new idea of a short story- possibly made into a movie or play?
Pick four or five characters and have them living their daily lives, never quite running into each other, but affecting each other by not meeting. Example- one of the characters is leaving Best Buy and the other gets there just in time to get the first characters excellent parking spot, hence making the second characters day without the first even knowing it. Another example- One character stops at a store and pisses off a clerk, but the clerk doesnt really take it out on the first character-the clerk takes it out on the character that comes in next. The characters could be related somehow- like two of them could have dated at one time (Jason and I) and they never think that they will run into each other by coincidence, but the story ends up showing just how they could have by just minutes in any situation- happens in everyday life all the time I bet. I would have to develop the characters first to myself before having them go on their daily routines so that I keep the routines correct and not too obvious or strange for that character.
Character A: a character like me. perhaps an English professor with the habits of driving her crazy bug around to coffee shops to read and to book stores to buy. a simple girl in her mid-twenties- very in tune with herself, independent, like Tatum in my other story, complex insides but the ability to explain herself, mid-height, medium built, very All-American blond haired, blue-eyed, she does yoga in the mornings and meditates, has bad habits of binge drinking by herself and dancing in her apartment in a old house. Her daily routine would be all over the place with different classes, etc... easy to work her in anywhere I bet. Bisexual tendencies, has been single for a year- last relationship crushed her- he left her in the town during her completion of her masters degree- was stressful academically and emotionally for her. He could maybe be a minor character in this play as well as her perfect mate that she does meet until the most unexpected moment.
Names: Lybis (Libby) Phoneen, Ennie Robins, Sybil Tumber
Character B: like Alisa in a way- a rebellious freshmen in college- drinks constantly, social life in upheaval every moment- works at the local grocery store, thinks character A would be boring, is a good person at heart but is trying to find herself sort of through others right now- tons of friends, lives in different places, schedule would be like As- easy to use because the student could also skip class to be found in another setting, different hair colors every week- contemplates tattoos on a daily basis also, tall (511), thin but with the beginnings of a beer gut. She is a confident person, but is unable to explain herself to herself at this moment much less her friends, parents or siblings.
Charcter C: .................................................................. Charcter D: