"Mom, I need to tell you something." I walk slowly into my parents' overly decorated master bedroom. Paintings so expensive that a whole country in Africa could live off of their worth… jewels litter my mother's table that could send fifteen kids to college. All of these objects make me ill. My mother sits combing and adoring her long red hair.
"Yes, dear, what is it? Are you going to color your hair again?" She speaks unenthusiastically and glances over at me, giving me the same look of unacceptance even though I have dressed "normal" today. Jeans and a tee from Zoe with a white girl kissing a black boy on it.
"Ha, Ha, Funny mom. No it's Zoe," My mother turns to face me and brushes off some hair from her velvet gown," I want him to come to the dinner tonight."
My mother's face loses color. "Darling, that isn't going to work. You know how your father feels about those types of people."
"Mom, he is my boyfriend..." My heart sinks again. How many times have we fought over this? Steam begins to create heat in my blood.
"I hate when you use that word for him dear. Must you make your mother unhappy with him and your hair and those things in your nose. You were such a beautiful child." I look down and try to decide whether to argue again. Whether to run off for the third time that week.
"Oh, lovely mother....," I start to fume with sarcasm… and rage,"guilt trips don't work anymore you stupid....," I began to feel exhilerated with power and I pause to think of how I wanted to describe the mess of feelings inside me,"I can not believe I was born to racists...You and dad could die today and I would not care, would not want your fucking money, your fucking fucked up friends- NONE OF IT!!!!!"
"Sidney! You will NOT use that language in this house." Her face flushes a bit, but she controls herself, as always, and reaches for her makeup while shaking her head.
"RACIST! RACIST!"I chant over and over, louder and louder,"Someday I am going to PERMANENTLY leave mom and then you will NEVER see me again. There- a guilt trip for a guilt trip..... LOOK AT ME!!! Okay, play that way," I relax as much as I can,"I think I will let dad in on a secret."
"SIDNEY!" My mother stands and is now flushed red. Suddenly her control flees her unemotional body.
"YES,YES, YES mommy! YOU shouldn't make a redhead mad should you??! Because then she tells people the truth. I hate living in this soap opera world you have mom. Give me some money… not to tell dad, and I am out of your precious RED HAIR!" My mother grabs her purse. I sigh, hold back a gush of tears, and grab the cash.
On my way down the enormous staircase, I see my father in his study and almost want to talk to him. But I don't. I can't. It would hurt him too much to know that his elegant wife is a whore of the worst kind.
I couldn't even gather the courage to say good bye.